a chance to rub elbows
the two of cups reversed indicates an emotional pause, the time inbetween an argument and the time you spend forcibly away from the other until tensions cool.
the queen of pentacles reversed indicates greed and self-absorption, embodying the opposite of what the pentacles suit normally says.
the hanged man indicates a self-imposed moment of repose. they're hanging there intentionally, just with their head beneath the water to focus on themselves and not their senses.
interesting. it's the queen of pentacles that gets me about this reading. am i self absorbed? i know i'm greedy. i'm a bad person; am i self absorbed? i guess, self-hatred is a kind of narcissism, no? interesting to think about.
questions i got yesterday:
do you know what things are blocking you?
my mental health. that's really it. my mental health is blocking me. i can't bring myself to do anything, all i do is hate myself and rot. i can't get a single thing i want to do done, not because i don't want to do them, but because i just can't. i can't do them. i hurt those i care about because i'm emotionally unstable and can't handle speaking to others. i hate it. i don't want to hurt anyone. i want to disappear.
can i get some worms
they were not my worms. sorry.
i'm getting worse.
things are getting a lot worse.
it's nice that i'm conscious of it, but i don't like it. i don't want to keep feeding into it.
i need to stop taking lexapro, because it's making me actively suicidal every single day. i used to be like this, and i got better, but now every single thought is responded to in my head with self-harm or suicide. oh x? then i should kill myself. oh y? should i hurt myself? and i hate it. i feel so unstable, more than i was before, and it's scaring me. i don't want to be like this. i have always believed that my issues were chemical, but if the chemicals i then take to fix that make me feel like this, then fuck, right?
last night i watched fallen angels. i loved it.
a movie about love, a movie where the city is a character over all else. a movie that showcases we can find connection in anything, from a video-tape to a shooting to a song to an empty stadium to a mcdonalds at 3am. it's beautiful. it's shot in such a way where the cameraman feels like a character too, but each character gets their own side of him. s ome people's cameras are voyeuristic, some are crazed and aggressive, you never get tired of how beautiful the city looks. the director says it should be watched as a double feature with, and considered a 3 hour long movie alongside, chungking express. so i'll watch that eventually. i loved this movie enough to know that i want to see more of this directors work. movies about love, about human connection, about the sides of us we show to the world and others and the ways we hide ourselves from them always attract me. it's what i'm interested in. i'm interested in the self, and how the ways we're forced to show our masks to others.
nothing else happened. i went to tim hortons, i guess.
things will get better.
We rub elbows with a lot of people every day, some of them might become your friends or even confidants. So I never turn my back on a chance to rub elbows, sometimes I rub until I bleed. No big deal as long as I'm happy.