cellophane
in my inbox:
there really is so much beauty to be found in desolation
yep. isn't it beautiful? the parts of ourselves that we're too afraid to explore are the most breathtaking of all.
time continues to pass, people hurt you, and you're expected to live with it. trying to push back just puts tension on the clamp that crushes you, an ever-tightening vice that never lets up, just continues to spiral and spiral until it's too much. you, of course, just have to deal with it, to ignore it. you aren't allowed to feel the pain even if it's all-consuming, you most certainly can't let others know you did. because how could you? it doesn't matter how civilly you discuss your problems with others, they'll find a way to blame you for it. your self is something to be fixed, not praised. the way you are is your fault, nobody elses. everyone around you knows you better than you could ever claim to know yourself, of course. what do you do, when you're the problem? you don't recall doing anything that made you such, you've made attempts to figure out why you're believed to be, but everyone around you gives you half answers or dodges. what do you do when nobody wants to fight for you? is everyone around you fake? is everyone a vulture picking on those around them, or do you have to just admit that you're lesser than them all? you know this to be true, so why is it so hard to admit?
i believe i am better than a lot of those around me. i don't like to self aggrandize, so i should elaborate-- i think i have a stronger moral core than many of those who surround me, and i believe that i have a stronger hold on my own self and externalizing it than others. the sheer lack of introspection that they all share, the complete disinterest in the self, in understanding why they are the way they are, in trying to understand themselves and others better to make progress in their issues. maybe this is something that i have a different view on, being severely traumatized, being forced into scrutinizing every little action and word for fear of being hurt again, which i continue to be nonetheless, constantly. by people who don't care about me, they just want someone to read the words they're saying and comfort them. when i do the reverse, though, it's much too far. oh, that's my friend, they've never done that to me, oh, sorry, i don't want you around me and my friends. someone you've never spoken to has an issue with you.
and i just have to sit there, hear this, and go "oh, ok." and that's it.
i can't argue.
i can't say anything else.
because these people don't care about me.
they wouldn't fight for me, or try to do anything to make things right.
and i have to continue being their friend? i have to talk to them, just to keep a bridge unburned.
it's fucking stupid, and i hate it.
it's one part of interaction that i don't get, i can't get.
i don't understand why people will interact with those who hurt them.
i don't understand why people think it's okay to be neutral to injustice.
two people like my posts when i spiral. it's one or the other. very, very, very rarely is it anyone else. although, i have noticed, that if i were to post something horny right after, to test the waters, i get interaction.
of course, all of that interaction is just further isolating me. people love coming to me to tell me about groups i'm not in that do things i won't get to do with people i'd love to know. and i have to sit there and pretend i'm not hurt by it. and i have to do this daily. and i can't tell anyone off for it, because i'm in the wrong. i'm traumatized, and i have to deal with it. i have to shut the fuck up and be good.
people see it. people see me suffer. and they ignore it. i want to prove that i exist, that i have a soul. my wretched display of viscera in front of you is proof of that. but nobody cares. because it doesn't help them in any way.
how long would it take for anyone to notice me disappearing? truly. how long?
i don't think most would. or they wouldn't really care. isn't that so pathetic? for me, i mean. i've left so little of an impact on peoples lives that my own disappearance and presumed death wouldn't even be a blip in anyone around me's life. no matter how hard i try to be something for them, how hard i try to be a positive influence, it wouldn't matter. i would die, rot, and disappear, and maybe then would they go "what happened to it?" out of pure curiosity, and not worry.
and i don't think there's a point in arguing with anything i just said. maybe for your own sake, because it makes you feel bad :( but if we're being honest, i'm right. i know i'm right because i have went through it enough.
when someone i care about disappears or stops responding, i will not stop reaching out until i know they're okay. maybe i could stand to be more forceful about it, but as it is, i worry about the people around me a lot. i love them. i wish they saw how much i loved them, but i do. but is the love of something like me even really worth it? what do i bring that others couldn't? it's nothing, unfortunately.
and that's where the superiority thing falls apart.
i don't like to believe that anyone around me is lesser than me, it's not what was reinforced during my childhood. i am the lowest. i am subservient to authority. parents, groomers, friends, acquaintances. i am lesser than them all. everyone is better than me, everyone has more fulfilling relationships than me, everyone fits in better than me, everyone is wanted around over me, i exist outside of that. does that make me worthless? no. i do genuinely believe i am better than those people, but if the truth of things is that i'm scum, then what can i do?
at best the worth i have to people is the funny words i can put on a page
whether it be a blog post or a story or a tweet
i like to believe i'm good at those
will anything i write ever stick with anyone?
im the limited time i have before my fuse burns out, will i make a mark?
i doubt it.
i don't want to be around the people i am anymore
but i can't leave.
everyone continually reminds me of the relationships they have that i'll never get to.
at what point do i give up?
never talk to anyone again?
for my own sake. out of selfishness.
will i ever leave a real mark?
not a "i miss you" or "i liked your posts"
but will anything i say ever last with someone.
do i just spiral and get worse and worse and pray i make something of worth before i leave?
i don't mean suicide. not necessarily. but, a removal of myself from the situation i've put myself in for the last decade.
i feel a lot of things recently that scare me, not due to content, but because i know i could act on them.
i could probably kill myself if i wanted to.
i could probably disappear if i wanted to.
can i bring myself to?
would it really matter if i did?
who would notice?
i bet you claim you would.
am i wrong for not believing you?
