everything sucks sometimes
the last few weeks have been really rough for me.
as always with me, they're contrasted by ups and downs, by affirmations that things can be better, and then by what feels like the world trying to prove that things will not be better. it's rough. you start to wonder if the beginning of the spiral is the beginning of the end. spirals aren't endless. sometimes they end with you making your way back up. sometimes they end. a lot of my own personal philosophy is based on nine inch nails' the downward spiral, as well as the fragile and it's maybe not the greatest foundation for mental health, but i think it's a real one.i think it's an interesting one.
trent reznor has said a lot over the years that i can relate to so hard, and while i'm not out of the spiral nearly as much as he is nowadays, something he said during the promotion for the cold and black and infinite trilogy has always stuck with me.
(...) was more of an internal fantasy of what if I lit a match to my life and just embraced burning the whole fucking thing down. You know? All of this is an illusion and I really should be dead or lying in a ditch somewhere. Who I really am is an addict that self-destructs. That’s my true nature and this is an illusion and some borrowed time.
and this sort of thought worries me. because i get it. because i completely get it. despite being "out" of the depressive episode i was in last year, after my attempt, after everything, i don't feel like any of this is real. sure, i'm alive, i survived everything, but. are things better for me? truly. are they?
yes.
they are.
and that's the part i can't internalize sometimes. sometimes, after a bad day, a mild inconvenience turns into a death drive that i have trouble snapping out of.
earlier this year, my gf came up to visit me. it was really nice. it was one of the best experiences of my entire life frankly, but this was during my finals week for my final semester of college. it was excessively stressful. i do not attribute much of the beginning of my spiral last year to education, although the timing for it almost lined up perfectly. it was a coincidence. i was just a match that had a lit fuse running towards it for years. it was going to happen one day, and when it did, i wasn't ready.
during said week, i was working on a final project, completely alone in an empty college. i knew that when i got this finished, i could go home to my gf and eat what she made us for dinner. there was nobody else in the room, my professor had long went home, and i was stuck. i was completely stuck. i was stuck to the point where i was starting to have a panic attack, and nothing i tried to progress helped.
i had to say fuck it.
i'm not a particularly big perfectionist. i believe in good enoughs. i think that the effort you put into something should reflect what you get out of it. i had friends who were really trying to get those high valedictorian scores. i was happy with an 80. sometimes id be happy with a 75. an 80 is honors, anything higher is just a nice cushion really.
but i knew that if i continued to push on this, and not just give up, i would've went back to the airbnb we were staying at and hurt myself.
i don't know if i could bring myself to do it with her there
but it wouldn't have been the first time either.
i have a lot of feelings about cutting, i think it is a widely stigmatized vice unnecessarily by people that do not care to think critically about the things they criticize. but what i do know, is that it is an addiction and it does help, to some degree, but i digress.
on the way home, my girlfriend texts me with a picture of the oven completely smoked out, and a pan carbonized in such a way that i had never seen before.
i didnt blame her, obviously. something was fucked with the pan or the oven. that is not a normal thing to happen.
but the timing couldnt have been worse, yeah?
i got home, we were both kind of frazzled and exhausted. i really expected to spiral out of control, but honestly seeing someone i love going through some other insane shit just made me reset. we went out to eat for dinner, and it was really nice.
i wish that was a feeling that came up more, though.
it's not constant, but little inconveniences ruin my day sometimes, to a degree that isnt reasonable.
on tuesday, i was prescribed an antidepressant for the first time by my doctor, which was awesome. this sort of, flunk, has been going on since early september, and by late september i had asked my doctor for a psych referral. i got nothing back from that whatsoever, and it's nearly been a year. i expected that. i didn't even consider asking what she could do for me.
every time i get prescribed something, my pharmacy fills it by the next day. or at least, they normally do. so i go in yesterday, on a day with some light rain, and i go to pick up my meds, and i get told
"oh, we have 5 prescriptions here for you, but none of them are filled."
and i'm like. what?
i know the other 4 are hrt, but the new med isnt filled? why?
it's because we don't normally fill new prescriptions as people don't come in to pick them up.
what the fuck?
your entire job is to fill prescriptions. you can safely assume people will want them. you have never told me this before.
so i go, what, am i supposed to call you every single time i get prescribed something so you fill it?
yes that would be preferable
well thats fucking stupid
i leave, and it is POURING RAIN. my headphones are about to die and aren't waterproof anyways, and i wore my cardigan to work that day, so i had no hood. i get absolutely fucking soaked head to toe quite literally in water, and i dip into wendys to stop being a sponge for a minute and get food i frankly dont even really want. they have this new daves cream soda that was lowkey fire tho. i didnt even take pics because i straight up did not want to be there. i eat whatever the hell i got to justify sitting in there until the rain got better and then left.
the rain was not better,
and i RE-GET-SOAKED on the way to the bus stop. i get on the bus, i go to take out my phone, and my phone charm snaps off. i am on the bus, fucking soaken, no music bc im not trying to fry my $300 headphones, just thinking. i need to go relapse. i would be feeling better right now if i relapsed. and i mention this to my gfs, and rightfully so they're like "you probably should not do that." and. man. i might have. i truly might have if i didn't get home and be so exhausted from the sheer weight my soaken clothes were adding that i immediately passed out for 4 hours.
i fixed my phone charm. i feel ok today. i'm going to pick up my meds properly later. 
rain rain, go away, come again some other day, rain rain, go away, come again some other day! i was up above it!