fraise
taking charge, having to make a decision but largely a victory lap. makes sense.
not much going on today, i feel generally more stable after this morning. i didn't take my lexapro today, not my lowered dose-- i just didn't take it. lets see if that bites me in the ass, but i feel fine now.
i started playing Slow Damage, ive never played an n+c novel but i know i would quite like a lot of them, i was told slow damage seemed a lot like my kind of thing, and having played it? yes, absolutely. i love towa, a lot. i relate a lot to him and the way he views art and the self, maybe that's negative. but what can i say?
a very well written and strong depiction of what it's like to only be able to find intimacy and yourself in viscera, in how it feels to stagnate and be okay with it. to not want to be better, in desperately wanting to be worse.
i really like it. a lot. it's doing things to me. for the best? or worse. who knows, but i enjoy it. i'll be bringing it up a lot more in these blogs as i play, probably.
to find intimacy in pain, to find intimacy in hurting yourself or others is a really scary concept for a lot of people, in the idea that you're unstable, or that there's something wrong with you. frankly, i know that to be true. i know there's a lot wrong with me. i can't pinpoint at which point i became like this, at what event in my life made me so strongly associate blood, gore, and internals with intimacy. i think it might have been this girl i knew online when i was 12, who would show me pictures of her cuts to guilt(?) me, or something. but i was really into her, so maybe wires crossed. maybe it was my fascination with /r/wtf and the macabre, looking into things that would traumatize me or challenge my perception of others bodies, seeing more than just what they show on the outside, but of knowing so deeply what's inside. to want to see their insides. to want to see the parts of them that they're terrified to show the world, not out of embarrassment, but out of a want to live. i want to see what makes you squirm, i want to see what makes your body shut down and makes you require medical attention.
am i normal?
no,
not at all.
but i'm me. and some people don't want to handle me.
or think i'm broken, or want to distance because of who i am. and maybe i am broken.
i know i am, even.
but who cares?
so long as i'm happy, i'll continue rubbing elbows until i bleed.
won't you join in?
the more directly it injured my physical body
the better