from my rotting body
lead yourself towards a new beginning, even if the odds are stacked against you. ok but what if she doesnt want me. what then.
anyways
i hope u feel better
me too
i'm frustrated, because i don't know what to say. i feel pretty much the same way i did yesterday, and the only reason my blog post was so coherent was because it was written earlier in the day before i had time to spiral. i want to die. i want to disappear. i want to cut. i want to have nothing to do with any of this. i don't belong anywhere, nobody wants me to be anywhere and i just have to accept it. complaining gets me pity but pity doesn't mean anything. it's not authentic. my presence is not authentically wanted. people claim to like me, people claim to like reading these blogs. i don't know. i don't believe it. i have very little worth as a person, and this is constantly proven to me. i wish i was interesting. i wish i was horny. i wish i had literally anything going on. at least if i wasnt asexual people would enjoy talking to me. i know my only worth is sex, i've had that beaten into me since i was a kid, but i wish at one point it would've stopped. that maybe i would be seen as more than that.
but i won't, and i can't, because it's the truth. i'm here to be used, and that's it. i've always been, too. that's just the nature of someone like me. nobody actually wants to talk to you unless they get something out of it. for most people, they just want to get off. you, as a person, do not matter. and even in the few relationships i have that go past that, i realize that i am still not viewed as a person. i am not a consideration. i am, at best, a nuisance that shows up sometimes. i am not wanted around. people are surprised when i tell them this. i am not involved anywhere, i am explicitly told by so many people that they don't want me around them. so what do i do? why do i continue to bother being in spaces i shouldn't belong in?
i don't have anything hopeful to say about this, because it's the crux of everything. why bother. i gain nothing from continuing to exist here. people would be sad if i left, but so what. at a certain point i need to do something for myself, right? and if that something is disappearing, never talking to any of these people again, how are you able to say that i'm wrong? it's not fair. who gives you the right to force me to stay, when i'm not wanted and you know as much? is it guilt? i don't care about your guilt. deal with it on your own time, away from me.
so what's the point? of any of this. what am i doing? i continue to post on the internet. i say something, and then people make it into something sexual and then start erping with eachother in my replies and talking about how they're in a group chat that i'm not. i talk about something i like with a friend, and i get told they have a groupchat where they talk about this thing that i'm not in. i go on social media, and i look at a feed, and i see a dozen people posting the same joke because of a groupchat they're all in that i've been told i cannot join because of some arbitary reason. and i'm expected, despite all of this-- not a paranoid delusion, but tangible evidence of being unwanted-- to stay around. because if anyone had to admit that they actually hurt me, then they would feel bad, and how dare i make them feel bad?
and most people don't know they're doing it. and that's fine. i know i'm not a consideration, i have no thoughts to the contrary, because if anyone actually thought about me, they'd never talk to me like this. or talk around me. and i wouldn't be feeling this way. nobody's at fault! everyone's happy forever! other than me, but it's okay because i'm the omelas child! come and rant to me about your problems, tell me everything that's wrong with you and your life and your friend groups that you'll never let me around, make sure to trigger me and ruin my day. don't ever make an attempt to include me, because then i can't be the scapegoat for your issues! you can't complain about people i know to me, so just keep me behind the fence so i'm a good target!
so what can i do, but melt and leave? am i in the wrong for it? why? everyone always gives me some bullshit reason why. it's always "i'd be sad" or "i don't want you to" or "other people would be sad" and that's fine because i'm so fucking used to carrying other peoples emotions and problems on my back that maybe they can just fucking fall off for once and let me be alone. i'll still be suffering, as i deserve, but on my own terms. i don't want to carry the city. i want to be alone. i want to be myself. i want to be someone else.
and when you say any of this to people, you just get the dumbest fucking responses. because nobody else is broken like me. and if they are, they're not the ones responsible for doing this to me. it's always the most surface level milquetoast suggestions. what do you do if someone is just actually broken? completely unfixable? what do you do if someone's too far gone and can't interact with other human beings anymore? what do you do if someone can't look at another person's post, they can't look at another person's mutual friends with them, without hurting themselves? what do you do if someone can barely interact with another human being without freaking out and wanting to disappear? what do you do if someone is a lightning rod for being mistreated? what do you do if your entire life has been a pattern of being hurt by everyone around you, being taken advantage of by everyone around you, by being guilted by everyone around you, of being the one that everyone goes to to put their issues on and then ignore you when you just want to be yourself?
i don't know what it's like to be myself, because i never got to find out. i could've been so much different. i remember whatever i am, in the shape of being a kid, and i remember the things i was into, and i remember the joy i felt for them, and now it's gone. sorry, you had a traumatic childhood and then even into adulthood everyone has decided to abuse and hurt you constantly, so say goodbye to ever getting to be yourself! or whatever "yourself" could've been. what's the fucking point of any of this anymore? how can i be normal? i've never wanted to be normal. because i know it's an impossible goal for me. because it's an "if" in a world of "now" and "next".
i just sort of understand that my worth as a human being is in the composition of my body. it's got nothing to do with my personality, my accomplishments, my creative drive, my self. no. it's in the worth my body has back to this world.
from my rotting body, flowers shall grow, and i am in them, and that is eternity.
and even that is more than i deserve.
