how dreary to be somebody!
i asked if i'm going in the right direction.
the eight of pentacles is about dedication and the results of hard work towards something you're passionate about.
the chariot indicates to me, at least, being on the right path, and to carefully think about blockers but not let them stop you.
strength is about courage and compassion.
i think, generally, i am being told i am on the right path, but i need to be careful of the things blocking me.
and things are blocking me.
i don't know what the fuck happened those last few days. okay, well, i do. we're coming up on two weeks of lexapro now, and it is considerably making things worse for me. a lot worse. i am feeling horribly suicidal again, something i felt i had really shaken off in the last 7 months or so. yesterday, all i could do was think about killing myself. it was really bad. i hate that feeling, and i hate that thought, and half of it comes down to the fact that i feel like i could. like, if i really wanted to, i could just do it. i have before, i could again. it's awful, and i hate it. i don't want to feel like i'm on a knifes edge, but so frequently am i, even literally. it's scary. because i don't want to do that, obviously. i hate how much of my mental state seems to be affected by chemicals, but rarely ever actually something i can control. i was in a state where it was either sit alone and consider it more, and get dangerously close to actually making another attempt, or just. do something. and a lot of the time, just doing something doesn't work for me. i chicken out and leave quickly. but i got reminded of anomalisa, and then i decided to watch being john malkovich. i loved it. i dont even know where to start about how much i loved it. there's a lot to think about and it kept me occupied for most of the night.
then the zzz update dropped, i spent a lot of money i will not detail here on it, but if this screenshot means anything to you, then you understand how much i spent.
i got aria and her w engine within 70~ pulls, which is awesome. i intend to go for yuzuha, and maybe remielle by the end of the patch if i have the pulls for it. or dialyn, both are great. i think id get more use out of dialyn, but we'll see!
i do a lot of retail therapy. its just what i do. i am fine with money, but i will spend a lot lot lot of money on things very quickly when they interest me even if i know im going to fall off of them within a few months. when i got into tamagotchis, i bought 4 or 5 of them. when i got into tarot, i bought 4 or 5 decks immediately, when i got into zzz, i spent a lotta money. i can afford it, but it's something i notice about myself. and it's not a problem for me, but i can see it easily becoming one if im not careful. but hey. ill figure things out. fix my self-hatred with a haircut.
here's a new segment because i only just realized i got any, here's my response to some asks i got on here:
i really like reading these every day :)
i appreciate that!! i really like writing them. even if im bad at it sometimes.
Haibane renmei is the best anime of all time
it's amazing, isn't it? it's really important to me. reki reminds me a lot of myself, to a scary degree.
i’m nobody! who are you?
are you nobody too?
then there’s a pair of us!
don’t tell! they’d advertise, you know!
how dreary to be somebody!
how public like a frog
to tell one’s name the livelong june
to an admiring bog!