life is a costume party
the king of pentacles represents stability and success.
the queen of swords represents utilizing logic and setting boundaries
the five of swords represents some sort of conflict that you are facing, perhaps even being in the midst of something important you need to make decisions about right now.
i won't say what i asked, but this is a really interesting spread to come from it. cool art too!
Yesterday was a blur, I went to work, went home, slept all day, woke up extremely late. I did my daily stuff in games I play, talked to some friends, and went back to sleep. Go to work, do it again. It's tiring. But it pays me. I read a bunch of Yoshitoshi ABe works, most of his stuff he either illustrated for or did on his own. Out of everything, I heavily recommend anyone to go read Kaira, it's an anthology series he did that is absolutely gorgeous.
One thing that did happen though, that did stand out to me, was a conversation I had with someone. In it, we talked about a lot of personal stuff, but most importantly to me, putting on a character. I've spent a lot of my life putting on characters.
For the longest time, our entire online presence was a Bit. People would never trust us with anything, because we were consistently unable to take anything seriously. Everything had to be a joke, in some way, nothing could be taken seriously, if it wasn't funny, I wouldn't be able to engage with it. I can never explain why. Was I scared? Did I want to lighten the mood? I think I was terrified of having to confront my own feelings. I think everything had left me hopelessly depressed and to engage with that was to admit that I was, which wasn't something you could get me to admit until very, very, very recently.
I act. I still do. I put on a character that I am not, but after people started trusting me, because I was able to engage with them seriously, I began to put on a new character-- that of someone who was always taking charge and greedy. It's what Taki, my old sona, was about, and simultaneously why I no longer use her and have a new sona named Tess.
She's cute. Not me. I don't know when or if I'll ever use her again, because she reminds me too distinctly of a time I don't want to be in again. It's a shame, I love Tanuki. But I love Tess a lot more, and Tess is more authentically me. And I want to be more authentic, that's what I've been trying to do for years. I want to be someone dependable, someone that you can come and talk to about things who won't judge you. I think I do a good job of that. I don't truly hate anyone, and I so rarely hold grudges. The few instances of that, are for people who absolutely deserve it, and even then it's more of a "i will warn others about you and remove myself from your spaces" deal.
But is that all part of the same human performance?
Is that me, or is that who I pretend to be?
Am I me?
Is Gigi writing this?
No.
I'm writing in Gigi's voice, but I'm not Gigi. Sorry.
And that's the thing about plurality. Acting is one thing, as a singular person. But when is it acting, and when is it someone else? When you have so many "you"s that swap on a daily basis, sometimes even minute to minute? Everyone around you can tell. If they're astute, that is. Are you pretending?
In a sense, yes. Someone very dear to me pointed this out once. It's not that the way you're feeling, and the others are feeling isn't real, but that with the way things are, it requires a performance to display to others. I think that's why a lot of headmates always try to give themselves something distinct, so that people Know. Because we all want to be seen. We all want to be known. It's just the nature of ourselves. Whether it's a typing quirk, all lowercase, all uppercase, vocal ticks, a vocabulary, a font. When you exist, yet your existence is so turbulent, you need to display it. To prove to others, but even to yourself, that you exist. Gigi struggles with accepting this, and probably will forever, but she's gotten a lot better.
And isn't that such a strange way of speaking? The third person, as if Gigi isn't writing this. And it isn't. I am.
How strange it is to be anything at all.
It never leaves me, just visits less often
It isn't gone and I won't feel its grip soften, without a coffin