media c-section
Utsu asked, "Is everything going to be alright?"
Page of Lightning indicates that Utsu is on the right path, despite setbacks, Utsu just needs to be careful about how she applies her drive.
5 of Water indicates that she's grieving, about losing something, but she needs to push forward.
Yeah...
yesterday, i got some amazing news. the psychiatrist appointment i had asked for a referral to an entire year ago at this point was finally scheduled for me, it'll be 4 hours from now. youll get updates about that in the next post, of course. i'm excited but scared. can you believe there might be something wrong with me? i can't. i don't want to know. the big thing i want to ask about is my inability to focus. i cannot for the life of me do things i want to. no matter how badly i want to, or others want me to, if it isn't my focus at the time, it won't happen. i hate it. normal people don't struggle with this, normal people do what they want to do when they want to do it, and apparently i'm not normal. fucked up! i've heard that normal people are also happier all the time, they don't freak out and hurt themselves or develop other personalities. weird. :)
do relapses matter? i guess it depends. i think for a substance abuse problem, it sends you back, although relapses are a part of recovery, they just are. a lot of people don't know this, and freak themselves out at the idea or reality of a relapse, thinking they've had to start from square one, when they truly haven't. but with cutting. it's not a chemical thing, maybe in a sense, that you crave the endorphins. it's just something that you do. i liken it to a compulsion or a habit. you always see these scenes in manga, about a character who can't stop repeating that they want to cut or must cut
and a lot of the time you'll see people, when this idea comes up, say that it's unrealistic. and it's really not. this honest to god is how it feels. i don't take the portrayal of self-harm in anime particularly seriously, although i do seek out any manga that has it. please do recommend me some. but this sort of, death-drive compulsion? 100% accurate and real. when you want to cut, you want to cut so fucking bad it takes up every thought in your head. there's nothing else but craving the feeling.
i guess, in a lot of ways, i just don't know what's so wrong with it. i think it's because for me, cutting is not a punishment. i'm not hurting myself because i deserve it, i'm hurting myself because i want to, i want to feel the sting and the pain, because i love it. it's a sexual thing for me, a lot of the time. in some sense, i wish i was disgusted by it, because then it'd be harder for me to justify relapsing, but as it is, i enjoy it. i do it because i want to. i love it. blood is intimate. and i want to taste more.
Something is happening
Don't know where it's going
For now I'll be down over here