mole
today's deck is the final fantasy xiv oracle deck by hochmonster. i've never used an oracle deck before, but my reading is "insecurity", elaborated on by the want to try to save others but realizing you can't save or help everyone.
interesting! i love the art. ill be using this deck (and another i have by hochmonster) going forward alongside the others! i really love the Lubanko tarot, so ive been sticking with those primarily, but I am a ff nerd...
and some asks!
You have a wonderful way with words
i try.
While I wish you stop hurting yourself, remember all this pain is reminder that you're still alive and here with us.
i guess that's true, but is that really something i struggle with? i get the sentiment, but i actually like and enjoy that pain. i do it because i like it. it's not a side effect of what i do, it's the intent. i appreciate it, though.
within the past few years i've started to get a lot more moles on my body in random spots. i was very concerned it was skin cancer but i've since been told otherwise. occasinally a new one pops up but i don't notice it instantly because it's sorta just normal now. these moles are mostly on my chest so not many people will ever really see them and unless i point them out i doubt anyone will really ever remember them. but to me, every time i go to take a shower or change my shirt, they're there. it's not like i'm ever gonna forget them though. they're still there and they're a part of me. if you asked if i had moles i'd go "yeah i have a few on my chest." hell, writing this is probably the most brainspace i've given them ever. but they're still there. they leave some sort of impact. i think your writing has an impact on me. you may say it won't leave an imprint but i think to me it already has. it's not always conscious its not always at the forefront but imo an imprint is often like that. you might disagree, and that's fine. but regardless of the future, that imprint will be there. it will exist in the way i move, talk, write, interact, even breathe. your writing is something i consider worthwhile, so even if i can't remember a single word or i develop dementia and forget who you are that imprint will always always exist. it's simply a fact of life, or at the very least a fact of my life. i hope this doesn't come off as mean or evil. you're writing is obviously infinitely more important to me than random moles on my chest. i also can't proofread this because it's a small text entry box, which i think is beautiful. i just wanted to let you know your writing has an imprint on me, even if i'm not out loud and brazen about it. cheers.
i think that's really beautiful actually. i appreciate hearing it like that, because i think it frames my own feelings a bit easier for me to understand. as much as i appreciate the words of edvard munch and think about them a lot, or the writing style of various different people that inspire me, or this or that, it's not something i put conscious effort into. it's something i know to be true, it's a fact. "from my rotting body, flowers shall grow and i am in them, and that is eternity" is an immensely important quote to me, but it's something that i'd only really share if someone asked. i guess maybe, selfishly, i hope one day someone can attach to a quote of mine the way i do others, but i think that's shallow, in a sense. i don't want to be quotable. i want to be memorable. i want you to read what i write and feel conflicted, to know that there's something to say about it but not quite knowing what to. impactful, but breathless. it's how the missing or being john malkovich made me feel. immensely important, but simultaneously impossible to put into words. no individual quote from either of these things can go on a welcome mat, but frankly that speaks to how great the pieces are. so when i think about it like that, it clicks a lot easier for me what i want out of this. i want to continue doing what i'm doing, knowing that it affects people. that people want to see what i write. and if i can do that, then i'm happy. i'm really proud of myself, for starting this blog and actually maintaining it. two days will be an entire month since the first post, with basically no missed days (and the days i "missed" got filled in an hour after midnight).
i don't normally have the drive for something like this, this kind of project is just normally too demanding for me, especially as i work now. but i have so much to put into words, so much to say, so much to talk about, that i want to continue putting it out there for others, to see if anyone can gleam anything out of what comes out. i know my view on the world, and self, and others, is warped. i dislike it, to some degree, but i do also fully believe it's what makes me, me. i would not be so nearly interesting if i hadn't been wronged in the ways i was, and believe the things i do, and say the things i say. and there's a beauty to it. i'm happy to be me, despite what i may say otherwise quite frequently. i like living. i like creating. i like putting my feelings onto paper and sending them out to whoever may just well relate. and in that sense, i think i'm quite proud to be the mental equivalent of a mole on your body. something that's there, that you accept, that will never leave, but isn't a constant thought. i can appreciate that, quite a lot.
im going out for korean food later, ill take pics and post them in tomorrows blog. i dont have much else to say. that ask pretty much set the tone for this blog.
