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What is the right way to handle your emotions?
For me, it's to disappear. In a lot of ways, I genuinely cannot fathom that people want me around. It doesn't make sense, to me, that my absence could be a negative force in this world. It's neutral, right? I'm just me, without me around, it's just, the same thing, but without me. I feel like, to even discuss this topic, I have to interpret my absence as a negative "for the sake of argument". I can't believe that. Things are the same without me, if not better, but certainly not worse. As such, when I don't know what I want, disappearing is the morally right choice to make.
When I cry for help and I get responses, why are they not good enough for me? When I'm faced with being wrong and the facts that people do care about me, why does it only push me further into isolation?
I don't understand it. What do I want out of people? Is there a silver bullet to these conflicting feelings? To stay is to hurt, to make it an issue is to hurt others, to leave is to only hurt myself. But it also hurts others. And I know it does. In the end, I know it hurts others, not because it's logical but because I see it. And because I recognize, that if someone else did the same to me, I would be freaking out. I'd be calling their phones, emailing them, doing anything I could to find out if they're okay. But this doesn't extend past them to me, obviously. Why would anyone do that for me?
Do I want some magical response that'll fix everything? Is that what'd stop me from disappearing? It isn't. So, what? Do I want others to read my mind? They can't. I can vocalize how I feel, but I always know it's wrong.
I'm tired of being in the spaces I am. I'm tired of speaking to the people I do. I'm sick of trying to incorporate people I thought I cared about into my space, just to be hurt by it. I want to block dozens of people. I want anyone I met through bluesky to never talk to me again. I want to remove as many people as I can from my personal space so I can be happy again. I want to isolate and isolate and isolate until there's nothing left. I ignore people because I can't reasonably explain why I have a problem with them because, frankly, the people I have issues with are better friends to them than I am. Better people than me, even. So instead of make it an issue, instead of explain and tell anyone why I feel the way I do, I might as well just shut the fuck up.
Because people can't handle that. And anyone who tells you they can, anyone who pushes you to tell them, is a fucking liar. Because I've experienced it firsthand. When you get wronged by someone and you communicate this to others? Not a single person is going to listen to you. If anything, they'll just excommunicate you further. And it's really fun, and cool, to live like this. I'm an honest person. Too honest. And all that does is get me left out, treated like shit, and dropped, I guess.
I'm just going to detail it because I really doubt anyone involved gives enough of a fuck about me to actually read anything I do, especially on this side thing on my own personal website. Having a minor complaint about someone who had blocked me months prior, having multiple people who know them coming to me, asking me to tell them who it was, telling them who it is, and how I don't really have any issue with them, have no idea why they have an issue with me, and then being told "oh wow, but they're so nice!" and then later being told to my face that they wanted to invite me to their server, but decided not to after finding out this random person I don't know has some random issue with me they've never communicated, with I guess the idea being that, as is typical with me, it's one of these few things.
- I'm going to get into a fight with them, as people seem to believe I love public conflict, for some reason.
- They're going to complain about me, instead of speaking to me like any sort of adult would do.
- They don't really want me in their space. And communicating that to my face, unprompted, is just fucking rude.
And of course, anyone involved has not really spoken to me since I deactivated my bsky. Cause they don't care. Cause I'm words on a shitty ai generated social media site for shitlibs. If I'm not words, I'm nothing. To care about me as a person, as an individual, is too hard. To invite me to a server is the easy fix, you get to pretend you care when you don't. But if you can't do that? Just drop me. Pretend I don't exist. Who's it gonna hurt? I'm not worth the conflict.
Lol.
It's silly. I think. I place little to no self importance on myself but too much, obviously. I'm aware of that. I'm a moronic hypocrite who can't practice what it preaches. It would be so easy to not care about this stuff, to not have it leave a lasting mark on me, but clearly I was never set up to be allowed a life like that.
I can't pretend to not be traumatized, unfortunately. And I do my best to minimize the harm that my trauma causes everyone around me, and I think that leads into why I think disappearing is the right option.
If I don't exist around you, then there's no need for me to tell you that this person you hang out with hurt me, and that's why I feel gross talking to you.
If I don't exist around you, then there's no need for me to tell you that this person you talk about around me hurt me, and that's why I feel gross talking to you.
If I don't exist around you, then there's no need for me to tell you that your relationships make me uncomfortable, and that's why I feel gross talking to you.
If I don't exist around you, then there's no need for me to feel bad. Because my emotions have no consequences. A consequence to me is not real, because I don't exist.
