outsider
i dont .knowe. im ufkcing clueless as to what this means. i pulled more and all they did was made me even madder. its fucking stupid.
slme fun asks!
It is definitely a risk to spiral while you write your blog posts, as much as writing them in a personal journal or something else equally private could. But its better to understand your emotions more by putting them into words than letting them fester, likely.
fuck off? how is it a risk. is it a problem that you read how i feel? go away.
I think the people we carry with us give us meaning even the bad
and i'm ziptied to the bad and nothing else. im stuck here.
what th4e fuck do you do when your entire personality, as you, is ruined? what do you do when what erveryone preceives to be you is a fuckiup? what are you supposed to do when nobody expects anyhthing out of you? when youve ruined al of your relationships to be past the point of cmig backj? what do you do when youre explicitly not wanted in thbe spaces surroudning you? when you wanting to join is no more than a "trhat would be cool!" and never makign any sort of an effort? nobodyh makes an effort for me. it mdoesnt matter how much of an effort io put in for others, nobody gives a single fuck about including ,e. no mat ter how hard i try, no matter how much i do forothers, nom atter whatk indness ie xtend, no matter who i am m or hwo i act or what i do, nobody wants me arouind them. am i jrealy ust this fujcke d up of a persom? am i proken forever? did i fuck everything p? you can tell me all you want that im not broken, im just ttraumatixe d, but if the end result of this all is that everyone around me just understands that im broken, ten whats the fucking difference? i'm fucked. i've been fucked and broken my entire life. i will mever get better, i will never be included, because that's just my lot in life. it oesnt mater if i try to get better, the road to recovery onlye ists because people around me dont want to feel so nbad about mis treating me. if anyone really ccared, i woujdlnt need to be feeln this way. t's jst easier for everyone to push me into my own self progression to the point where im a fucking zombie that doesnt have any thoughts or opinions or feelingds and just goes with what happens so thjat they dotn need tofeel bad anymore about excluding me and about fucking hating me. about not caring eabout me in the slightestr.i m a fucking sex toy for everyone else and the worst part id that im not even fucking into it. im a sexual whicb basically makes me fuckingworthless to most people i meet. everyone wants sex, everyone wants sexy talk ouit of me, everyone wants me to play into their thngs, everyone wants a kink dynamic, everyone wants asnything butr act ualyl fucking just eing my friend oit f me. and the worst part is thatr i know that if i gave into the sex shit, if i just sat there and took it like a good, real boy, people would want me around them. i bet that would open doors. i bet id make friends again. soi many of my friends are predicated on teh idea that at one poiint in my life i liked sex, at ne point in ym life i was a sex toy for them, and i fi cant be that anymore, then they might as well continue to be my griend unt l i can fufill that again, vbut the problem is that i fuckign cant, theres something so deeply wr ong with me that ecryones waiting for shit hat wont happen and they know it . and thats why they fidtnace. thats why they lever me. thats why nobody want me around any,ore. thats why everyone takes it as an insult when i tell them i dotn want to be sexual or why i dont want to see that kind fod t uff. its my only worth as a person, and the prbolenm is that i cant fucking be the only thing that gives me any worth anym,ore. so what the fuck am i supposed ot do? seroousky, wha the fuck am i supposed to do anymore? jkst sit here and rot? wold you all prefer if i sat here and rotted? itd be easier for you.i wouldnt be fuckign bothjering you withj my stupoid bullshjit anymore, with pretneding ot be ap erson, id judt be a perfect little doll for you to torhw away whenver youj got bored of me. is that all i am? is that all i need to be? Do I need to forget all morals and feeligs and just act on what others want? prostrate myself in front of everyone ive ever met that's wronge d me just to have the chance of some sort of fucking half eharted acceptance bullshit that i know they have no interst in acually giving me? whats the fuckin pont of it all? whats the ufcking point of beign me anmymore? th eres so many stupid fucking relatonships i could go and rep;air fright now. go there and tell them im sorry, that i fucked up, that im in the wrong, that they ewere right and its all m y fault, that i overreacted because im metnally ill and a fucking loser and what would that get me? id jsut be fuckign stupid. id have no fucking morals. no backbone. id be even worthless than i am not, but itd solve my problems. what the fuck am i supposed to do anymoere?
soemthing ao0bji0psagdfji0podfgasjio0pdgafjio0pdgf]s fuck all of this. im so sick of being a fucktoy for everyone else. it's all i want too, b ecause if i didnt, i wouldtn keep fucking doing it, im just a fucking object ad thats all ill ever be. nobody sees me as ap erson but someone to talk at, someone get sex out of it, and the more that i try to be something mor than that, the less people want to fcking talk to me. when i feel bad? no replies. when i post bait for people to get horny about? 3, 5, 10, 15 replies. whats the fucking point of trying to catering topeopl wh ofucking dont care about me at all? whats the point of any of this bllshit anymore? im fucking tired opf it. im sick fo thid all. i dotn want to fucking be here anymore, io want to be someone else entirely. but what do you do when what yu are is wrong? do you just fucking sit here and contine? thats what everyone ewants out of me. to continue suffering as me, to continue suffering for them, because the5y'd be so fucking sad if i disappeared. nce again im ust a toy for others. oh wow it makes fnny posts, lets keep it around! nothing about meas a perosn, me as a soul, if i even have one, nothing about me whatsoever. its always what i can do for them or what ia mt o them. oh, id be sad i dont fucking care if youre sad. what does that matter to me. i sit there in ag ny every single fuckikng day cfontinung to exist justr so taht youre not sad about someoen you barely give a single fuck about disappearing. so what?
why do you want it anymore? just go w hte uck up and accept that im going ti dosappear one day and it wont be so bad anymore. theres no way in uck literally a single person that's ever spo ken to me even cares that much about me to he point where it would be that muc oif a deal. youd get over it proet ty fucking quic. people always go oh no ive experienced loss before and it sucks! thats cool but i odnt have to worry avout that ebcause yu dontg give a fuck about me. im not a loss, im ano inconconvneience. and ig thats al li am, just an inconvenience, just lem e fucking dsiappear. i continue to live ostraccized and livign b yy own morals suiffering constasntly, or i just disapepar, maybe become comeone else. and isnt that immoral? its ufcking disgusitng. imagine if someone you knew just disappeared and pretend ed to be someoen el se? and they tralked to tyou, they got lcose to you, all under the pretense that they were someone else. thats disgsting, its gross. but thats all i am anyways. disgusting and gros. no body ive ever met has any sort of internality to their thoughts, to their self harm to their feelings. its always some bullshit. i cant shasre whaT I AM, BECAUSE IT AKES TYOU FEEL BAD. I CANT E ME , Bbecause it makes you feel bad. and f icant be me, then why should i try anymore? do you understand what i mean? its not fucking worhti t to try anymore. im worthless. whjat oi a, os a ficlkmg doisgisting amalgan of human traits tryig to be human and it doesnt wor kand everyone aroun me can tell. and i liked to belikecve that i was more human than tem, but the truth if that im not. im fucking disgusitng. what are you suppose to do whe everyone aroud you is a fuckign child sho makes ther decisions based off of stupid judgment calls trhey make because thjey cat act like a fucking adult for 20 secons and just say the right thing? what do you do wen everyone around you is a moralless disgusrting piece of shit that just does what bringd them resujlts ? am i in the wrong for wanting to do the right thing fo rme? am i in te wrong for looking out for myself? am i in the wrong for having a moral compass? am i in the wrong for tryng to itneract with a bunch of people who are fucking morons? i ust want to be wlecomed to be me around people who clearly
dotn undersand their own feelins anwd wants. i just want to be welcomed around people who inexpliablyh haver theior on problems with me. and the worst fucking art of this all is that i lnpow im such a disgusting cucking freak that nobody wants mea rojud them because of all of htis. as much as i taslk myself up ia ma a fucking disgusting lowlife whos subservient to everyone ive ever met. i liste nto their whims and i do what they wantg because ionherently i am worse than them, i asm ,ower, becaujse eveyone around me celearky knows how to handle teir shit and all i can do is sit here and fuking suffering all day nad pretend to be a humsan being. even if i blieve i mbetter than you, the reality of this all doesnt prove it. im, disgusting, im a fucking disgusting loser htat deserves to be thrown away, to be left out, and i know that even if i was includ3ed, i wodltn fucking take advantae of it. i know that youd all fucking hate me in time, i know that if i were to try to interact, id just be considered "the anoying one" as everyone ever fucking cosndiered me. if i spoke it was a joke, nothing i said could ever be taken seriously. silly wildcard gigi! dont listen to anything it (and i know trheyd never erspect this much), sorry, he says! dont liste nto a doggdamn word becasue wow maggies so funny all the time ho wannoy ing. and thats my only fucking worth. i am a dog tat does triccks for those around me who are worht more than me and that is all i will ever be. i have to carveo ut my own spaces in which i treat everyone with the respect i could ever be given buit know i fucking wont because ive fucked up everytihng with everyone ive ever me t because im a stu pid fuccking moronic loser. whewther any of you would ever admit this, youre getting fucking sick of me. you cant handle this for extended periods of time. nobody can. so when are you going to drop me? or tell me you need time? or just start ignorign me? im ready for it. o bodys truly in love with me. the love i feel for others iswrong, and the love others feel for me is a lie. so what the fuck am i usppposed to do anymore? huhhuuiuuuhgfds fdghgfhs fuc kall of this. just fuck it. i dont evne know why i write these. this is the most embarasing shit in the entire world. i hope i die before i wake up tomororw. and the worst part is that i know i wont. i need to contine living for everyone ele as their dog, and if i cant do that then i ahve even less worth than if i was a worpse, because at least if i was a corpse everyone would feign worry for me. they'd be so sad that im finally dead, oops i mean dead in a tragic accident. lol. fuck you. i genuinely hate you. you reading this. i hope you die . goodbye. im in a lot f pain right now and thats the only tyhing keeping me writing this stupid bullshit slop. dont even fucking bother reading any of this. i know you wont. u
i am completely fine, by the way. message me on discord if youre inxplicably eeorried.