portrait of a gigi on fire
i shouldve mentioned before, but these are the wise cat tarot cards by Stella Andromeda. they're cute and the guidebook mixes the traditional rider-waite meanings with cats and their proclivities. its neat!
today i got a reversed nine of swords, an ace of wands, and judgment. these three cards, in my interpretation of them is this:
the nine of swords is a card that typically represents struggle, anxiety, and fear, as well as mental health issues. reversed, it represents recovery, learning to move on. i interpret it as being able to take a great blow mentally, and recover from it. i think all of last year was very much like this for me.
the ace of wands is a card that represents new beginnings. whether that's a new creative spark, or a flash of inspiration. this blog is that for me! it's pretty accurate to my current situation.
judgment is a card largely about reflecting on your past actions and leaning into personal growth. a lot of my posts involve me doing this.
i think this spread is very much about me having started this writing endeavour and trying to be more self reflective on it.
yesterday was a pretty lazy day where i slept too much. it happens. it's a weekend and i'm allowed! i can do what i want! lol. i genuinely do not remember more than that. i have bad memory issues from time to time, and yesterday just slipped me. i know it was nice. i didnt sleep super well.
i think i want to talk about creativity today, and my issues in the past with just doing something and staying consistent about it. i love creating. i love knowing that my work is genuinely praised by other people and sometimes it's hard to tell if i'm doing it for myself for others. i got my start with writing, properly, writing smut stories. and then since then, i've essentially just done art trades with other people. i do not enjoy writing smut. or at least, i didn't like that arrangement. when i would write for myself, i would get nothing out of it. when i would write for others, i would get art out of it and that was motivation, but it wasn't enjoyment. the first thing i ever made for myself were ocs, all listed at my characters page, although a lot of the ones i had made back then are not listed. i just don't use them anymore! they were sort of just, vague concepts for a character but with no real sticking power to make me continue to use them. giving examples sounds fun, so lets do that.
this is Klee. she was my splatoon character at the time, the little idea I had for her is that she was a germophobe, so klee as in kleenex and the mask. i think she also wore scrubs? that was it. she was from splatoon so there really wasnt much to do there, and it wasnt an idea that really grabbed me on its own. this is pretty much the only piece of her that exists, i do have other pics but those would be of my octoling way later. i think an oc with its basis in a video game is too restrictive for me wanting to continually use them.
this is maggie. you might ask, aren't you maggie? well it's gigi now so watch yourself but yes that is my name. she was just a "bitchy schoolgirl" character. once again, super one note and doesnt really have much going on. i really wanted to hit Concepts, but i didn't know how to flesh anything out. and i think that's the magic of writing, and that's what makes it so special to me-- i do not design characters anymore based off a singular one note concept... ok thats not true because Andy is sort of one note, but i think he has enough going on in the Gigi Canon to work. Rom Vesen was the most information I ever put to a design, and that's the nature of hir creation, being for an RP. because of that though, i got some sick art of hir by one of my fav artists.
the way i liken writing smut for someone like me is to writing a wikipedia article. it feels like i am writing Facts, I am writing The Guide To Get Off but it does absolutely nothing for me. it is purely for the enjoyment of others, because, being asexual, it's just kinda like writing an encyclopedia of "things that are hot". it's why there must be more than blood is written the way it is about that. i wish i enjoyed it more than i do, and maybe i did at one point, but i certainly do not now. it's always nice to get praise for it, but it feels hollow. i feel like peoples standards drop when they're getting off. the things i make for myself now, like this blog and all of my newer ocs, being praised the way they are, makes me really happy. it feels like my writing might actually be worth something, even if years of schlock fought to prove the opposite. i should be very clear about this, i don't believe that writing smut is some sign of lesser art. absolutely not. there are some masterful writers out there for it that are genuinely geniuses, but for me, i just can't get into the mindset for it to be fulfilling.
my place is writing about the mundanity of life.
everywhere now reminding me
i am not who I used to be
i'm afraid this has just begun
consequences for what I've done yeah