resentment
perseverance, and greed.
i don't live a bad life. things are generally okay for me. in a lot of senses, i have things others would want. i get paid well, i have healthcare, i'm soon to be unionized. my boss is annoying, but whose isn't? i need to grow up and shut up, i'm an adult and things aren't always going to be perfect.
and despite all that, i want to die. i have a choice in this matter, i can just as easily go "i want to live!" tomorrow and never think about this again. but in these moments, i want to die. i'm not being forced into that, it's not a "i will die" or a "i need to die".
i don't believe that i will die, i don't believe that i need to die.
i just know that i want to. that every day, i think, even if it's just for a split second, about how easily i could go ahead and fulfill that. if i want it, as truly as i believe i do, i could do it. it would be easy for me. everyone around me knows i could, so i could just do it.
and there are a lot of people around me who don't get to decide. they're not the arbiter of their own lives, sometimes, something happens and then that's it. what am i to do? say? feel? am i beholden to them in any sense, or am i my own person? are they jealous of me for the ability to decide, or do they resent me for choosing to leave when they don't even get a choice? for them, that's the reality of things. death's just real, and it knocks for them constantly. they WANT to live, but the world doesn't believe they need to.
am i not taking something from them? i have what they want, and i want to squander it.
what's wrong with me?
can anyone really tell me?
i get diagnoses, i get medication, i get words to describe it, but nothing gets to the bottom of it. why am i like this? "oh, you're heavily traumatized" feels like a cop-out. that's too simple and sympathetic towards someone like me for me to believe it. i don't deserve it. i don't deserve anything, in this life.
where did i go wrong? can i do anything to fix things? years of "i think maggie hates me" and feelings i never knew how to properly reciprocate even despite trying my best. trying my hardest to integrate into places i wanted to be in the only way i knew how. and everyone just looked at me and went "she's bitter. she hates me. she's rude." and. i don't know what to do about that. how do i not feel like i just ruin everything i do? i so badly want to be around others, and i'm so worn down from everything that i can't bring myself to actually talk. to join. to meet people. because they're all going to think i hate them too, and i'm going to get pushed further and further and further away.
i don't want to be so far, anymore. do i ever get to feel close to others anymore, or must i resign myself to a fate of not understanding others, of being completely terrified to interact with another person again for fear of it causing issues, as i always do?
Do you know how far this has gone?
Just how damaged have I become?
When I think I can overcome
It runs even deeper