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i said this last time but i changed it! theres a newsletter and its a real newsletter and youll actually get it maybe! you can find the newsletter thats a real newsletter here!!!
song of the day
if you have not listened to massive attack before, please give mezzanine a full listen! one of the best albums of all time, it's so good.
yesterday was okay! a coworker and i got pizza. this thing was more than a meatlovers pizza. so much meat. drools.
but it was good! from a local pizza place nonetheless.
i will say, though, the nausea from my meds did not go away yesterday. it was to the point where i was sort of lying my head on my desk mumbling at my coworker
man, i wanna go home and go to sleep
i have a solution but you might not like it
yeah?
shoot yourself
hes not wrong. i was considering it. who knew antidepressants would make you want to kill yourself. today i have a ton of plans, i'll be out basically all day with friends and then coming home to play a ttrpg then probably watching a movie tonight. ill update on that tomorrow! i havent decided if i want to do these daily or just weekdays at work, but for now im gonna do them When I Want.
i think i want to talk about the internet, and the way that social media warps our perception of others and pushes us away from each other.
i have bpd, that should be obvious. or something like that. so my feelings on this are a little unique, but i also have a lot of experience with "the internet" and the way that people on it act. as do you!
i think blocking when you feel uncomfortable with regards to something someone said once is a completely okay thing to do. i would know, because i also do it. you are the curator of your own space, of course, but i think with the advent of something like bluesky, "your own space" extends past just you.
every block is public. you can look and go see them. you have a full record of who everyone you know likes or dislikes available to you at any time. you are acutely aware of who took issue with you, exactly the time at which they took issue with you, and everyone else can go and see it if they'd so please. isn't that weird?
on twitter, if someone blocked you, or you blocked someone, there was no announcement. there was no public record. youd find out that two people you knew had beef, but it wasn't put out in the open for you to peruse when you were bored. things happen. it sucks. but you want to include everyone. maybe it was a misunderstanding! who knows.
on bluesky, though, i firmly believe that the public record of blocks leads to a lot of walled garden-type behaviour and just general insanity for a lot of people on it. i am not saying that every single bsky user is constantly checking something like clearsky, but i am going to posit that a LOT more do it than you think do it, and the ones that don't might not even know it exists. i think it's innately human to want to know who has an issue with you, or who cut you off. i don't use it to see what random person ive never met blocked me, i use it because it's the only way to know that someone i considered a friend has decided to cut me off. but maybe i take social media blocking or unfollowing too seriously? i don't know.
another fun thing about that public record is that it gives you insight into if people are actively stalking you! people don't seem to know or care that the blocked date actively changes when you un/reblock, meaning that you can watch someone stalk you and see exactly when they do it! it's really cool!
i know a whole lot about being stalked, because people do it to me all the time, i firmly believe that someone who stalks me is reading this right now, even. isn't that cool? what sort of place have i got myself into in this world? lol.
sometimes i consider disappearing, to avoid all of this. ive been in the public eye for a good 7 years or so, maybe more. i distinctly became an Internet User in 2016, prior to that i had been using computers since i was a child but i never really interacted with others, just kept to myself and irl friends. the problem with being known for so long by so many people is that you get into so many random spats with people that genuinely do not matter, sometimes even when youre underage. i was ahead of my time with some of the jokes i made years ago, but people would randomly snap at me for no reason over them! some people still hold grudges to this day! sometimes people tell me they literally have no reason to dislike me yet still do based off vibes. isnt that sort of insane? or maybe i care too much? who knows.
there's definitely something wrong with me, of course. these are not normal things to worry about, i think. but i don't really know an existence where i don't. i think that's why i'd want to disappear, start over, try again. new me wouldnt have years of people disliking her, she wouldnt have to deal with anything coming back that doesnt matter, or people lying about her purely based on vendetta. shed be fresh. and if people hated her, then that's fine. but it wouldn't be because of Me. i hope one day she can escape her cocoon.
'cause it feels like I've been
i've been here before
you're not my savior
but I still don't go
feels like something
that I've done before
i could fake it
but I'd still want more