snowdream
oracle is more "reading the card explains the card" so. yeah!
so, today i have a proper, real thing to write about. wow! i didnt take 7 shots of vodka straight and make an incoherent blogpost at 11:50pm!
but anyways.
your brain is not your mind, and your heart has nothing to do with it.
frequently, i see people talk about themselves and their lives through the guise of pure science, in the sense that, we are purely beings made of neurons, that our heart purely exists to keep us alive, and the brain is what has any other opinion on that. i do not agree with this. i understand the building blocks going on here, but i think, inherently, your brain has no say in your body's processes. it is an organ that is given direction. that direction, comes from your brain. and it is not your brain that thinks. this is an important distinction, to me, because your heart fundamentally has nothing to do with your actions.
your brain wants to live. the organ, the brain, wants to live, and it does anything it possibly can to divert its resources towards that end-goal. you will live. if it needs to shut off your eyesight to divert blood to other parts your body, it will do that. this has happened to me! i went into shock from seeing so much blood on my body that it went "oh fuck", and left me blind for about an hour as it pumped blood everywhere else. my heart did not do that. my heart does not have the cognition to recognize that things need to move. it doesn't care. it's dumb and it does what it does.
as much as my outlook on life is warped, it's shaped from my experiences, from the way i've been treated, from the ways ive treated others, from the stimuli that i go through on a daily basis. i'm not going to sit here and pretend that this is infallible, either. it is not. my view on things, is wrong. as is yours, as is anyones. we are the product of our environment. it's why i take such a strong issue with the idea that "we're just neurons, and love is chemicals, and we're just matter moving around.
it's like this. in a sense at least. logically, from a purely scientific perspective, yes, we're made of neurons and flesh. but how can you say that life is worthless? that you can logically decide how it isn't worth living? that anything in opposition to that is wrong? life is not worthless. it's all you've got, i find it bizarre to want to end it because there's no point to it. "let me out because there's no reason!" why? just keep going. if you think you've convinced yourself that there's no point and that's why it has to end, i hate to say it, but i think you're lying to yourself.
nobody wants to kill themselves without wanting to live.
i only have such strong suicidal impulses because i have such a strong drive to live, not because i believe there's a futility to it.
if you've been given a reason to want out, then i can understand. cptsd, abuse, trauma, etc etc etc are all factors in this. but science? science is the wonder that put you here. it's what dictated that, in this massive universe, in this one small spot, we were going to exist. that we were going to evolve into sapient beings. we alone are the ones on this earth capable of such complex thought and feelings. i think, because i was so deeply into science as a kid, it's hard for me to just accept base level explanations as to how meaningless our feelings and emotions are. because that explains very small parts of our own existence, completely forgoing any sort of individualism. and i'm willing to bet that if you were to tell someone who felt this way "oh, does that mean i should kill myself too?" they would say no. because reducing humans down to our physical make up is a form of self deprecation, it's not something you would force unto someone else. those acts of chemicals and neurons are what produce such complex emotions and feelings seen in no other animal in the world that we're aware of.
and i think a lot of this comes from a lack of internality, or maybe outright rejecting it. if you push so hard against the idea that you're a human being with feelings and focus on what you are as a collection of matter and materials, then it's pretty easy to not ever put any sort of thought into why you feel the way you do, not be able to properly voice it to others, and just spiral into it. for all of my faults, for how badly i want to kill myself sometimes, i can explain to you exactly why. the thought process, the parts i believe as part of my self, the parts i don't, and the parts that i'm overreacting on. it's the mind-brain disconnect again. what my mind believes about me is not the same as what my brain believes. my brain gives me these awful impulses and thoughts that my mind does not agree with. vice versa. and it's an awful feeling, but it's what i've always described as such.
i've been told that i devalue myself, but the truth is that i don't. i talk like i do, but i honest to god do not do that. i believe i am better than most people ive ever spoken to. i vocalize it as such because i'm subservient to bootlickers and losers, people with no soul who talk to me like i'm lesser or exclude me from The Clique for stupid irrelevant reasons. i say what i do because it's the impulse my brain has beaten into me as a result of my situations, it is not what i lucidly believe. isn't that so interesting? i don't know how to describe it, but i do not believe i am worthless, lesser, etc. my brain just thinks i have to be. because it's what explains the way people treat me better than i ever could.
have i been cut again?
just to dodge sweet descent, my friend