the commodity of thoughts
Today's reading is from the Amy Rose's Fortune Card Deck. These are not the normal Major Arcana, but they are analogues to them. they have fun little flavour about "hero draws" and "dark draws" in comparison to upright and reversed, it's pretty cute. the guidebook is written from amy roses perspective, but it's a pretty competent tarot book (i believe)
i asked, "is what i'm doing the right thing?"
lone guardian is the hermit. upright, it's telling me that i need to take some time to myself and get away from everything for a bit, nobody is an island, but some time to focus is always nice.
skyborne aspirations is the high priestess. reversed, this card is telling me that while i'm right in my decision to isolate myself for a bit, i'm not doing it in the right ways. interesting. i think i agree, but i don't know how to do it in the right way. i need to think more about this and ask others perhaps.
i slept for basically all of yesterday. i got home, did nothing, slept for hours, woke up, watched Baby Assassins. i loved it! cute little movie, fun action scenes when they happen, but generally just a movie about the gig economy and how work-life balance fucking sucks.
other than that, i had my first spiral since starting lex. it felt numbed, but in a way that i didn't.. love. it scared me more than anything else, because i didn't freak out. i just. calmly started talking about how i should relapse. i didn't feel hysterical. i felt right. and i really dont like that. i really hope that's not how it goes for me, because that's really bad. maybe this is embarassing, but i left my relapse up to tarot, and i pulled a reversed judgment. what the fuck ever. tarot isnt real. the reading today being so specific isnt real either. none of thats real. i'm not real.
and that's what i want to talk about.
i'm not real
you don't really know me
isn't that weird?
social media and the internet in general turns everything into a Post. not a person, a Post. bluesky is especially bad for it. everyone has their own walled gardens, if you're not allowed past the gates, you're stuck outside and the things you do are interacted with, but not respected. you are not a Person. you are an Account that makes Posts. there is no way to avoid this, frankly. it's just how it is. you'll say things, and people will run with it and talk around you. all these little in-groups and such, none of whom view you as a person who exists, but rather as a Post to Interact With and talk around. it's just how the sites work. unless you're in, you're out, and when you're out, you're very out. the only time people will interact with you is when you complain about that, and you know it's pity. and if it's not pity, it doesn't matter because it's only happening as a result of your complaints.
and that's something else i want to talk about. i don't know if this is the personality disorder speaking or not, but when someone tries to make things right after i notice something about the way they act towards me, it feels completely hollow. i can't interact with it. if i notice that i'm being ignored, i'm being spoken around, i'm constantly having to interact first to ever speak to someone. sometimes people will tell me to my face that they don't want me in their spaces because someone in there has some random issue with me that's never been communicated to me, or they'll let me in "if i promise not to snap at anyone" which is, quite frankly, such a bizarre reading of me that i have to wonder what the fuck anyone is talking about. and i wonder, what's the point of any of this? why do i continue to seek human connection when all it does is hurt me? i get misunderstood, i get mistreated, i get left out. and that's all that'll ever happen.
Knees hurt me when I grow
And that's a tough pill to swallow
Because I'm not gettin' taller