the neverending downward spiral
i forgot my lubanko tarot at home, and meant to swap it out with the deck i keep in my bag. since i didnt, we're back to the sonic tarot for now!
companions is the sun, reversed, it's telling me that while things are looking down, that should be transient, and things will be better eventually.
skyborne aspirations is the high priestess. it's telling me to listen to my heart and do what i'm feeling.
hero is strength, and it's telling me that i can overcome what's ailing me.
this is a very interesting reading given what i asked, which is if things are going to continue to go downhill. it might even be a bit of a self destructive one, but i think in general it's true that i'm going to do what i decide to do regardless of what the cards would say.
at work right now, so my brain is a bit more clear. let me talk about my thursday thru sunday. i actually can now! i think.
so, on thursday, i had my appointment with a psychiatrist, i still do not have access to my notes from that visit yet, but i cannot wait to have them, both because i think they would be funny to read, and that i am a very self-scrutinizing person, and i want to know how others view me based off a conversation. in it, i realized just how traumatized i was. the phrase "i was groomed repeatedly from the ages 8 til 17" got me a very funny reaction, as did a lot of the other things i had said about my family. i have another appointment on the 20th to get tested for adhd/autism and, hopefully, get medicated for that. we'll see how that goes. would be nice! im sick of not being able to do the things i want to do. save me...
on friday, i didnt do much of anything. but on saturday, i had a really funny interaction. a friend of mine had recently mentioned knowing someone who lives in the same city as me, which for me, is an extremely rare occurrence. we pass messages through said friend, and eventually i end up with her address with a mission: get this shy antisocial woman to come watch a guy eat dirt and worms with me. and that i did, she showed me a lot of really cool stuff that she owned (like a ton of merzbow bootlegs she made, as well as a GY!BE demo tape.) and i talked to her about the process of getting on hrt in my city. and then, i stole her away to watch a guy eat dirt and worms. and that really was all he did, people were handing out dirt and worms but there were like maybe 16 cups of it and 50 people, and i wasn't close enough to the front to get one.
i enjoyed it a lot, it was something fun to do with a saturday where, given my blog on that day, you can tell i was not doing ok. and the day after. my bad! im not doing ok today, but the difference is that im stuck at work. afterwards, we went to sushi and i ate a ton, i remember feeling bile in my mouth afterwards and i probably ate too much, but it's called getting your moneys worth. i love sushi so much, i want it again... that night, we watched The One starring Jet Li. the needle drops in that film are fucking hysterical, once you hear the first, you can guess the rest.
sunday, i was having an ok day, until i started having that like... twinge. that something was going to go wrong, and that's the sort of thing you trust, and then i did my reading, like i posted. hanged man, death, justice. so i left the house, went out to get taco bell and hang out in a coffee shop for a bit to get out of my room. my room scares me. it's where i tried to kill myself, so there's always a sort of omen being there.
i fw the chicken nuggets in retrospect, i disliked them at first bc i lowkey dislike chicken nuggets, but they grew on me.
it helps that they're chicken breast pieces, not actual nuggets. i wouldnt buy them on their own, but as a box? yeah thats fine.
it wasnt a good day. but thats fine. not every day is going to be good, especially on this medication. it's making me spiral really bad. but if the cards are telling me anything, it's that it'll get better.
i think today i'll talk about friendship. in general, really.
for me, it's really fleeting. i don't feel like my friends are my friends.
or rather, i don't know if i can trust them when they say they are.
and i know that's a symptom of my cptsd, but i also think there's a truth to it, that a lot of people know but won't say.
online friendships are as real as it gets, but they're not real. at all.
they're all i have, though, and i have to treat them like that.
i hate it.
i don't want to be beholden to the whims of people who have no meaningful consequences for treating me badly
but i don't have a choice.
i get hurt, a lot.
i think people have no incentive to treat me as a person, sometimes.
and as such, i have no incentive to treat myself as a person anymore.
i am a copy of a copy of a copy. i am what others want in someone, but not myself.
and that sucks.
and i don't know how or when i can stop doing that.
i want to be liked, i want to be included, but i will never be meaningfully.
for the people i want to be around, i'm not horny enough, i'm not liked enough, i'm not interesting enough, i'm just. me. and unfortunately, me is someone fucked up and broken. and nobody wants to be around a burden, or keep someone around who they view as volatile.
or who their friends view as as volatile.
so i call people my friends, those who i know would never stand up for me, or really care about me
and that's all i can do.
and i don't think it'll ever end.
How does it feel to own
Such a trendy excuse?
It's just like Catherine says
Having boundaries is abuse