the urge
the chariot, a six of wands, and a reversed four of swords. in essence: you are taking charge, and you have made progress. feel free to rest for a bit.
cool. i think that's true, maybe.
song of the day
(this is the first time i'll ever actually talk about the song of the day itself, but this is a song from very specifically the Zomba Promo CD version of Since I Left You by The Avalanches, if you like any of the songs on it, you probably know frontier psychiatrist, please do listen to this version-- it was a promotional release of the album before the full release, and as such, it is the Actual Album, and it has all of the uncleared samples they couldn't get the rights for in the proper release. it is a better version of the album with more songs.)
hi, im not doing well. if youve seen my social media posts recently, or spoken to me at all, you would know that i'm not doing well. i am still not doing well. i spoke to my psych and i am stopping lexapro and i am currently weaning off of it, and i really hope that's what helps. frankly, i think i want to get my adhd under check before i mess with antidepressants, because for the most part, i was doing fine? and i feel like i'm doing a LOT worse after starting lexapro. it sucks, but i guess it's trial and error, it's a learning experience, whatever.
i'm writin this one in a coffee shop, as we speak. ame and kangel are here for moral support. tbh, i would do silly american oshikatsu stuff with my ngo stuff if i wanted to bring around two bags (i have an ita bag that's split between ame, kangel, and dark angel, but it can't fit a laptop in it, it's kind of randoseru sized.) but i might do it anyways, for the bit. it's silly. i love ngo.
i think im gonna talk about my compulsions today. the stuff that makes me think i have ocd, or at least, the elements of my trauma that present in the same ways that ocd presents (in the words of my psychiatrist.)
i can't stop asking for reassurance, or permission, for things i want to do but know i shouldn't. and i know that every time i ask, the answer will be no, and as a result, i probably won't do it. but i can't stop. i have to. it's like, both not a thought in my head yet simultaneously so present i can't ignore it, there's nothing i can do but listen to my brain. "should i hurt myself" no, obviously. nobody's ever going to say yes. so why can't i stop asking? "should i die" obviously not, but why do i keep asking? why can't i stop myself from needing constant reassurance. it sucks. i hate it.
People aren’t supposed to look back. I’m certainly not going to do it anymore.