vice
my reading: if it works, it works.
can i ever truly be myself, or am i forever going to be beholden to change for those around me? the things i want are taboo, my brain is broken in ways that are irreparable, i find intimacy in no less than violence and pain. i want to be hurt, i want to hurt.
what do you do, when who you are is wrong? what do you do when your needs and wants could never align with a normal persons? i know i ask a lot of questions, but i feel like i'll never get good answers. people do not want to see what i am, it disgusts them. and how can i not blame them, yet simultaneously feel alienated? i feel broken. i don't want to be like this anymore, i am not around like minded people. i probably dont want to be around like minded people. people like me are not worth your time. people like me drag you down. people like me are wretched, disgusting "people" who you placate, but don't respect. i feel sick. i feel physically ill, and its not because of the cuts on my body or the blood dripping across my hand, it's because i'm tired of being me. i don't want to be here anymore, i can't handle it, it's never been for me.
you're tired of reading the same words over and over, right? you're tired of me too. you're tired of the way i write, talk, the things i say, and do. you're sick of it. i know you are. why wouldn't you be? can i ever be better than this? or do i just sink further into it and lose everyone i love? i relapsed. badly. ive been drinking a lot recently, on the weekends sure but i drank both monday and last night. i don't know how to cope with the ways that i feel without being self destructive. i constantly think about smoking. i could just do it. it would fucking suck, it would ruin my life, it would be expensive, it would kill me. and i can't shake the thought of it. i need to do something. i have to. i need more. i want out.
and nobody can help me.
i want to be normal. i want to be normal. i want to be normal. i miss the me i once was, but i can never go back to being A. i know i can't. how do i stop wanting awful things? how do i stop connecting violence and hurt to pleasure? do i need to? people don't want it. people around me are worried about me. i don't want that. i don't want to be here anymore. i don't know what to do. i just want out. i don't want anyone to help me because i know nobody can. so desperately i want to plead for help but it's worthless. it'll do nothing for me. it's pathetic. nobody can help you but yourself. they can give you support but you can't be fixed by anyone. you probably can't even fix yourself. i want my blood and brain matter splattered all over the pavement, leaving a permanent stain even after dozens of people are forced to perceive and view all that's left of me, i want others to have the stain in the back of their mind, wondering what it was, must've just been spraypaint. at least they'd think of me. at least i'd be good for something.
You make mе wanna
Make me wanna, drink
Bury myself undеrneath it all
Drink, drink myself to sleep