white nights and dark days
seven of coins, five of swords, ten of cups.
looking back on how far you've come, conflict that's currently affecting you, and fulfilling relationships. i guess so, yeah, that's accurate. whatever
questions:
people who tell us to find help dont really understand that Help comes from the same rotten world that gave us these problems in the first place. Every therapist is cis, the psych ward says you're insane. And your friends dip when things get a bit too heated. I dont need to improve, someone understanding it is enough.
i think that's true to some degree, but there are people out there for us, too. my psychiatrist isn't cis. people do indeed dip when things get heated, though. you need to find the right people and the right spaces for yourself, and it takes time. the trial and error burns and leaves lasting marks, and that's such a hard thing to contend with.
miss you | need more of whats in yur head
its been hard to want to write these for a while after starting my meds, ive been a bit more focused on work and stuff
Think you're ever gone write one of your super hot (CENSORED) stories again on DA?
maybe not the place to ask this but i mean probably, i take commissions. i feel like every time someone asks me this nobody takes into account that i do take commissions.
Feels weird to just... say this, but I think it would be nice to talk and get to know you more. I've kinda just orbited around and had the constant thought that it would be nice, but never said anything because of dumb reasons. I did send a Discord friend request, so I guess that's better than nothing
I don't know who you are but I hope I've been treating you nice
i havent written one of these in a while because i got medicated and then ive been switching between meds and doses and stuff. i deleted my bluesky over a month ago now and i dont know if i can see myself going back. there's nothing there for me, i'm missing nothing. looking at it sends me into a panic that i struggle to come back from. it exacerbates all of my worst thoughts by putting them onto ink on my screen and i drink it willingly. nobody makes me hurt myself, i just do that, for fun!
ive been doing a lot better in terms of drinking, i have periodically relapsed on sh but im doing my best to try to stop, because i hate it. i have recovered my sex drive, to some degree. i do not want to lose it again. i dont know how to ensure i dont. i have no clue what makes me lose it. i don't think i'm asexual, i think some weird chemical shit is happening to me. well, on top of all of the piles upon piles of compulsions and thoughts i have about it all. i didnt always have them! i wasnt always like this! but whatever.
i got a kobo clara, and ive read a LOT of books since. i read, in order: Into the Miso Soup, Audition, Piercing by Ryu Murakami, Low Kill Shelter by Porpentine, The Sluts by Dennis Cooper, Amygdalatropolis by E.R Yeager, Snow Crash, Things have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke, Closer, and The World is Made of Closed Rooms by Otaro Maijo. Out of these all, my favourite was easily The Sluts. I recommend it to anyone who's even slightly like me in any way. Epistolary novel told through reviews of a 14 yo escort that causes an entire community of, well, gay pedophiles, to go into a collective psychosis. Also there's a guy who really wants to kill Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys. it's great, genuinely. one of the only few books to make me feel something in my stomach with their descriptions of gore and such.
i'm currently reading: gideon the ninth (slowly) tsukumojuku (slowly) and The Infinite and the Divine (i just started). tsukumojuku so far is really interesting and ive already recommended it to some friends, taking a character from old untranslated japanese detective novels and reinterpreting everything about his character, taking his original meta-detective powers even further is great. im kind of like tsukumojuku, btw. read it.
i got back into limbus, i guess. i dropped it for a long time, after my ex broke up with me, it was kind of just something i didnt want to interact with anymore, but i finished canto 9 last week and loved it. ill keep trying to play and enjoy it because, for all of my faults, its one of my favourite games ever.
ive been engaging more in writing and other work like voice acting recently, and i want to continue doing so. i want my drive back. i dont want to feel ashamed of myself. i want to be me. i dont know why these things are happening to me that make me so distinctly not me, but im sick of it. im not asexual, im not the person i get portrayed as. but i know how others think of me. it sucks.
i just wanna be included, yaknow! and i wish that i was a better person so that people would actually want to include me, but alas. i am what i am, and what i am is sort of a +1. i guess.
Writing my delusion world, I saw a version of heaven where I sat in my yard.
Reading a paperback print of my book.